I Wouldn't Let Go

  So here's the thing. I haven't let go. That is, until a few days ago. If you read my story about the ordeal with Owen, then you are all caught up. He started shaking. I called the Doctor, she feared seizures and sent us to the ER. We waited and waited to see a neurologist and after seeing one we were told Owen was self soothing. All should be better, right? It should. But I wouldn't let go.

I wouldn't let go.

   I let fear win. I let fear take over my emotions. I let fear disrupt my family. I let fear dictate my thoughts and actions. I shouldn't have. We saw multiple Doctors and had tests run and all came back fine, but I didn't want to believe that. A dear friend knew I was struggling with letting go of my fear and called to say, "Trust. Trust what the Doctors are saying. We prayed for answers and a clear report for Owen and you got that. Now trust it." After listening to that message and thinking about it for the next few days I realized I was choosing fear. Every morning, I would wake up and choose it, and carry it with me the whole day. I would let fear weigh me down.

   God walks us through trials and when we're on the other side, we have a choice. We can rejoice in the Lord and thank Him for bringing us through. Or, do what I did. Choose fear. Hold onto doubt and worry, let anxiousness overwhelm our hearts and minds.

    So today, instead of carrying fear of  "What if" I will rejoice in the victory. 

- Grace & Peace

Perspective

" I am weary with my moaning; 

every night I flood my bed with tears;

I drench my couch with weeping.

My eye wastes away because of grief;

It grows weak because of all my foes.

Psalm 6:6-7

   Ok- this is what I read this morning. My first response while reading it was " YES! Lord, that's me! That's my life!!! Everyone hates me and everything is going wrong!!!" Then I felt the Lord respond. In one word.

"Perspective"

  Uh, say what? Lord, life is really hard right now, can't you respond with something else? Here is one of the definitions of the word Perspective: "the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance."

It is true. I need perspective. David was a king and had enemies that wanted to kill him. I am just overwhelmed by life. My emotions and fears are not less important to God than those of King David, BUT what I think God was trying to show me is that I am so quick to swing my emotions and feel like my world is ending. But it isn't. I actually told someone last week that I felt like Job. Then I realized how ridiculous that was and said "Except, no one died. And I didn't lose everything." I had to laugh at myself. Things have been intense for us lately, mostly weird sicknesses on our family. The scariest one was thinking Owen may be having Seizures, but after a trip to the ER and an appointment with a neurologist we found out that he was shaking his head to self sooth. By nature, I am a glass half empty person so whenever anything hard comes my response is to cry and feel overwhelmed. Luckily for me, The Lord gently reminds me that I need to keep it all in check and have Perspective. I need to rejoice in the health of my baby boy and believe that God will heal the rest of us just as he did for Owen.


Can I just encourage you to have perspective in moments of chaos or emotional distress Take a step back and let God work it out. He always does.



Grace & Peace

Bad Idea

     

CONFESSION: I spent nap time Insta-Stalking other Moms. 

   What is "Insta-Stalking", you ask? Well, it means some how finding a friend of a friend of a friends, sisters, next door neighbors, hair dressers Instagram and looking through all their pictures. All the while, comparing your house, kids, style, workout routine, culinary abilities, and hair color with unknown Cyber moms. It's an awful thing to do my friends. Yet, I still do it... All the time. I usually walk away from my phone feeling super bummed at my lack of Super Mom-ness. Today was no excpetion. I stumbled upon this amazing mom with a gaggle of kids, a cute house, cool hair, athletic, and she loved Jesus. So what was I to do after feeling like an uber lame Mom? I know! Lets have a pedicure party! BAD IDEA. Why did I think painting nails would be a good idea on my 21 month old crazy Olive? She smudged her mint green toes on EVERYTHING, including my wet toes. Ava dropped stacking boxes on the only 3 toes Olive missed and I found myself more frazzled then I could bare. All the while Owen is sitting in his Bouncer like an angel, then I realized he was probably overwhelmed by the nail polish smell! So I scrambled to open every door and window in the house. But don't worry, it's only over 100 degrees outside. Sigh...

   I couldn't help but laugh. I did my best to fix our toes, but they're still a little funky. I was texting a good friend of mine today about how well put together the amazing Mom I found on Instagram was and how she seemed to have it all put together. Ya know what my friends response was..."Yea... lol. Doesn't everyone?" She is so right. I only ever post the BEST pictures of myself, when my house is sparkling clean, and my children are well behaved. I never post pictures of the other 90% of life when I am covered in Spit Up, chasing around Olive who is always half naked and yelling at the dog, while Ava explains to me her deep reasoning on wanting to be a grown up and not a kid. It's funny how filters on a photo editing social media site make me look better, huh? 

   So here's my confession: I am not Perfect. I get frustrated with my kids sometimes. My house is usually a mess. I haven't brushed my hair in 3 days. And the only fruit or veggie my kids have had in the past 4 days is oranges, because I haven't made it to the store in a week.

   So if there are any Mom's out there who feel like they aren't the perfect "Insta-Mom" all the time, it's ok, you're not alone. Try not to compare yourself, everyone has hard days. You're awesome, your kids are cute, you are in great shape, you look like an incredible cook, and you seem to be getting a full 8 hours of sleep every night! ;) Ok, the last one may be a stretch...

Grace & Peace 

The Sunday I Need

There is something so magical about early summer mornings. The benefit to your daughters getting up at 5am, is that you get to watch the sunrise and sit outside in the crisp summer air. This morning is especially sweet... Ava and Olive are switching between snuggling with each other and playing in the back yard, Owen is sweetly sleeping in his bassinet and every so often he lets out a deep breath that reassures me he is happy, and I am enjoying the company of my most special Husband. I sat and watched as Daniel and our daughters ran through the yard smiling and laughing. Olive would occasionally yell out, "Runnin! Runnin! Runnin!" with a smile on her face. The sound track to our morning has been a mixture of old John Mayer, Bon Iver, and City and Colour. Here is my favorite (or watch & listen here in case the embed below doesn't work):

Coffee with my Beloved. Joy filled laughter with my daughters. Sweet sounds of a newborn baby. Good music.

I would call this morning a success. And it's only 8am. Happy Sunday to you! I pray God gives you the Sunday you need.



Grace & Peace

But Am I Searching

It is still astounding to me how high and low my emotions can get in the matter of minutes regarding my kids. There are times when I am so overwhelmed with love and joy that I feel like I could pop. Then there are also times when I get so frustrated that I want to slam my head into the wall. (You probably think I am over exaggerating about wanting to slam my head into the wall. I assure you, I am not.) My child induced emotional highs and lows came to a head the other day in what I consider now to be a funny situation. However, in the moment, "funny" would have been the last word I used to describe it.
  So here are the things that happened. In order:
1- Terrible nights sleep. Owen was like a baby vampire who wanted to eat non-stop
2- Olive woke up on the wrong side of the bed. And by wrong side, I mean, continents away. Galaxies away.... She was ANGRY! She literally screamed non stop, all morning.
3- Ava decided that she would begin her quest of self awareness and all together stop listening to anything and everything I said.
4- My kitchen smelled awful and I could not figure out why. (It turned out to be a rotting Pear that was in the fruit bowl on the counter. YUCK!)
5- We had a weird swarm of tiny little flying beetle bugs that were covering the side of our house and shed.
Here's where it all went down hill... Olive's screams wore me down and Ava's bad listening made me angry. So, when one of the tiny little fly bugs ended up inside I wanted to take my anger out on them. I went outside without a plan, but convinced I could get rid of them by some act of will. As I stomped my feet out the side door and over toward the cluster of them a carpenter bee dove bombed for my face!!!
** Now friends, let me inform you of the terror that is a Carpenter Bee. They are GIANT black bees that fly in an erratic pattern searching for flowers. Meaning, they fly around like maniacs and dive for my head. I hate them. They are awful, and every time I see one I either scream or run.**

After the bee dove for my head I ran inside and broke down. All out ugly mom cry. Olive continued to scream, Ava kept asking me questions, and poor Daniel was so confused. In that moment when I wanted to bang my head into the wall I asked Ava to sing Jesus Loves Me. I don't know why. I just did. After she finished I started singing this song. " Lord you have my heart. And I will search for yours..." There was something that happened to my spirit when I sang Praises to God. It calmed me.
  It wasn't until later that I realized the significance of the song I sang. Those words that I unknowingly professed... God has my heart, and I need to be searching for His. Because when I do, like in that crazy moment of anger, He can do miraculous things. It may seem silly to you that just singing a song can change your whole day, but let me tell you, it isn't silly at all. It is amazing. I wasn't trying to have a deep devotional time with God, or even meet with Him at all. I was just trying to control my temper and keep my heart in check. He met me where I was and used the circumstances of my day to teach me something. Even the smallest gesture, if I reach out for God, He meets me there.

Grace & Peace

I Just Want To Be With You

Mothers Day.
As a child, it was a day when Dad was in charge. He planned the day's events, bought the cards for us to sign, and directed us in our tasks to show my Mom how wonderful she was. It is a fond memory. Looking back on those days makes my heart smile. Knowing what I do now, I understand my Dad's deep desire to show his wife how marvelous she was. How hard she worked. How unconditionally she loved. And for a kid, we just thought it was a day to give our mom and extra hug and eat BBQ for dinner. Do I think I undervalued my mom on Mothers Day as a child? Yes. Do I think it mattered to her? No. Because of one thing. There was always one thing she wanted. The same every year, without fail. The days leading up to Mothers Day when we would ask my Mom what she wanted she would respond in a quiet and sweet voice, "I just want to be with you." As a kid, that was the best answer ever. I always feared she would ask for something HUGE. Like cleaning my room. (My room was referred to as the Black Hole. Once something went in there, it was rarely seen again.) Now, being a Mom to three little humans I understand her simple request.
   I was reminiscing this morning about my first Mothers Day. May 10th, 2009. One week before my due date with Ava. I spent the day with Daniel preparing for the arrival of our precious girl. Fast forward four years and I now have 3 children who call me Mom. Three little loves that I nurtured in my belly and now they are here. Living, breathing, tiny humans. When I think about Mothers Day and what I want to do, I think about wanting to spend time with my children. It is because of them that I get to be celebrated on this day. It is because of them that I get to experience things like laughing so hard someone shoots milk out of their nose. It is because of them that I get to experience the joy of giving birth. It is because of them that I get to experience the wonderment of learning something new. It is because of them that I get to Mother.

   So here I am years later asking for the same thing my Mom always did. I am sure that in years to come that will still be my answer. And when my children have grown and gone their own ways and I think back on my past I will remember moments like these, when all I wanted was to spend time together. To let life slow down for a while and enjoy my family. And no matter how old they get or where their lives take them, when they ask me what I want for Mothers Day I will quietly and sweetly say, "I just want to be with you."

Grace & Peace

   

 

Learning to love my Veggies

So here's the thing, I know God uses whatever you're going through to teach you things. However, I find that fact to be even more prevalent through parenting. Maybe it's just because my job as a Momma is to encourage  love, correct, guide, support, and teach my children how to Love God and Love each other.

This evening we had another interaction with our very smart and quite emotional 3 year old. Over the past year as her vocabulary has expanded so rapidly, so has her ability to vocalize how much she doesn't like the food I make for dinner. Let me assure you, I am not exaggerating when I say that 6 out of 7 nights when dinner hits the table I hear opposition from Ava. It doesn't matter what I say or how I compare the food to some other person or animal that loves to eat it, she is adamantly against consuming it. I wish I could just explain to her how important having a good diet is. So this evening when she started complaining about eating her potatoes and veggies I wanted to just throw my hands up and give in. It is exhausting having to battle my child on the same issue 3 times a day. Luckily for me Daniel was there to handle it and talk with her, and I just took a deep breath. Fifteen minutes later as she is still sitting at the table taking mice bites of her veggies I had a thought:

I wonder how God feels when we continually try to do something that is against his will for us or is blatantly bad for us. Is he sitting next to us at the hypothetical dinner table,  coaxing us to eat our "vegetables"? 

Bam! Jesus punch to the face! I can't even tell you how many times I'll do something with my own thought process and logic and I am faced with a ton of opposition, ultimately leading to me going to God with a repentant heart for not doing it in the way He would have me to. He is my Father. He knows whats best for me. Unlike me, He never throws His hands up and walks away shaking His head. God is always patient. He loves me with a supernatural love that is interwoven with divine wisdom. I could gain a lot by modeling the way I parent after how He parents me.

Grace & Peace